Ok, yeah, this is about my ten millionth posting today, I know, but we have a lot of catching up to do, y’all. The good news is that this photo set brings us all the way up to last night, when my allergy to Texas (doctors remain unsure as to whether the reaction is triggered by the local foliage, or by bigotry, both of which are so prolific in this area that it’s impossible to rule either out) caused my lips to swell to Octomom-like proportions. Since my plastic surgery budget is unlikely to ever climb higher than its current limit of $.99, I made sure to memorialize that fucking magical moment on film. You’re welcome.
Had to reblog, because, hello, Texas! And, yes, there is a lot of poverty here.
Am I surprised? Wait for it… wait for iiit…
Rick Perry’s sad face is my reason for living. His utter failure at running for president against such ESTEEMED cohorts as Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney (I MEAN…) is perfect, but I won’t be truly complete until the day someone gives HIM a mandatory transvaginal ultrasound. With a lightsabre.
Let’s put this up on billboards everywhere.
This would be such an awesome thing if even half of the quasi-literate assholes in Texas would be able to understand one goddamn thing it says.
I think I’ve probably been inundated with more of this bullshit than the average American, due to not-entirelly-willingly existing in Texas, and all. I mean, you’d think I’d be used to it by now, because, no matter what party here’s always some ignorant douche talking about how much better off we’d be if we seceded and built a castle for King Rick Perry and Queen George W. Perry. Despite the fact that, you know, we kind of lost our right to secede when we joined the union right after the CIVIL FUCKING WAR.
Unfortunately, I don’t believe it’s possible to get used to this level of ignorance.
But, I mean, these two statuses are pretty much the same thing, right? You know, that same thing that doesn’t fucking matter, anyway.
Side note: On the one hand, thank you, Facebook, for this fodder! On the other hand, you suck, Facebook, for providing me with so many
dumbass Texans who keep saying I’m not a nice winner. LIKE YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN.
Is there ANYTHING better than Beyonce repping your home state? Even though Texans still elected less than 10 Democratic House Representatives, we finally beat the Republican supermajority that allowed Republicans to, "… Establish a quorum without a single Democrat present; adopt rules without a single Democratic vote; suspend the rules at any time; approve constitutional amendments; waive constitutional limits on state debt; and to tap into the state’s ‘rainy day fund’ for any purpose, at any time.”
I’m sorry to say that I didn’t even know that this was the case until I read up on it this morning, but suffice it to say it was a definite ah-ha moment for the past, and a definite fuck yes moment for the future. For once, it’s kind of good to be a Texan.
So, remember when I told y’all that Big Tex was on fire yesterday? Buzzfeed reported it, as well. Not because of Big Tex’s celebrity status, but for Texas’ reputation of being full ignorant assholes. I’m going to have to actually get my Southern Asshole on to say this, but, sometimes, stereotypes CAN come true.
But, seriously, who even remembers the Kennedy assassination anymore?
Did y’all her that Big Tex is on fire?
Actually, I guess he’s out now. This report, which should be awarded some sort of trophy for Best Sentence In a Boring Local News Article, states that “Dallas firefighters are currently clearing out the charred remains of Big Tex’s head.”
For those of you who don’t live here, and those of you who do, but, like me, don’t give a shit, Big Tex is a permanent, 52-foot-tall fixture at the fairgrounds where the State Fair of Texas is held each year. He’s pretty creepy when he’s not on fire, as you can see in the image below.
He also has some equally-creepy fans, like this guy…
Do you think this guy has a match.com profile? Because I MEAN.
Let’s take one more look at that…
Did y’all get a good look at his belt buckle? I have no idea what the hell the inscription means, but, if you’re a true Texan, you know that what the belt buckle says is irrelevant, because it is meant to be used to hit Spanish-speakers in the ass as they run back to “where they came from.”
Here’s what Big Tex looks like, now…
I heard that it wasn’t arson, but, like Mitt Romney, I feel strongly that no amount of evidence can tell me what to believe in my heart.
Note that Texas is the state has the third-highest teen pregnancy rate in the entire US. Dude. 54 out of 1,000 babies born here each year come out of a teenager’s vagina. In case you were counting, that’s over 5%, or one out of every 18 births.
Although the numbers clearly point to the abstinence-only education programs implemented by 94% of our schools, we stand by Rick Perry in his defense of the effectiveness of this method.
How can we be so sure that they work, you ask? Well, first of all, have a little bit of faith, because Jesus and Rick Perry have never steered anyone wrong, and, if they did, those people obviously just didn’t have enough faith. Second, just look at our passion for and dedication to witholding information from our students. Even in the face of recent budget cuts that have resulted in statewide teacher layoffs, a number of our fine schools still manage to pay speakers’ fees to experts who specialize in lifting the veil shrouds the dirty, sinful world of sex.
These higly-skilled orators are just as committed to keeping God in our schools as we are: we know this to be true, because they work for religious interest groups like Worth the Wait. Talk about effective - and thorough! We even teach the kids about condoms - after all, we wouldn’t want our state’s young people thinking that they can protect against pregnancy and STIs! LOLZ
Statistics show that our students are really getting the message, too. With two out of every five Texas high-schoolers dropping out - the seventh-highest in the nation - we can only conclude that students in Texas are learning more, and and faster, than they are in other states, and that they can’t wait to take what they’ve learned and apply it to their bright futures… as teen parents.
Despite the wild success of our educational methods, we believe that we should never keep pressing forward to implement even more effective, ground-breaking tactivs in our classrooms. That’s why strongly believe in, and continue to push for, elimination of critical thinking programs that teach students to dangerously rely on their own intellect to draw conclusions about shit. It is crucial to ensure that our young people understand that decision-making must be done solely by church leaders, Rick Perry, people who are not brown and speak only English, the very wealthy, and, most importantly, men. Always men.
In short, given this information, it should be clear to everyone that abstinence-only education is not to blame for our state’s high teen pregnancy rate. The culprit is obviously Obama’s wicked mission to keep our children from praying in school. Obviously.
Don’t worry about Texas, though. Unlike immoral, liberal states, here in Texas, we are fully-invested in passing down our family values to the next generation of republican-voting, church-going, gay-hating sheeple, and we are willing to do just about anything, including secession (just waiting for Rickers to take the lead on this one) to secure that bright future.
You’re welcome, America.